I read on the cover of a magazine something in relation to couples and the need to avoid divorce since it affects children. Did they discover America? I am really concerned about ignorance on this subject, so I address it over and over again, to see if people and the media understand it.
The first thing is to define what others call «a good divorce .» That does not exist, because for there to be a good divorce , you need the same as for there to be a good marriage.
What does it take to have a ‘good divorce’?
- I respect
- Be loyal
- Good communication
- Having grown up as a human being
- Be transparent
- Behave like an adult
- Value the other
- To be honest
- Know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness
- Study, read, attend workshops and talks about couples
- And the most difficult: seek couples therapy whenever it is needed.
More than 30 years ago, at the press conference for Only for Adults , my first TV program in the Dominican Republic, I said that education was obsolete and that we were learning things that were not really important for life. It is sad to see that education is still a dinosaur, at least in relation to this issue. The surprising thing is that this often includes even a college education. A psychology Ph.D. student recently told me that she had NEVER received a Sex Education class and that Family Therapy classes were electives. How in the XXI century a psychologist can help someone being a sexual and family illiterate?
Nobody teaches us the most important tasks in life. We learn them by sheer blows and with serious consequences for couples, families, children and therefore, for society. Who taught you to be a father or mother?
Who taught you to be a couple ? Were you educated sexually? Do you know what makes a family functional?
Do you know how to choose a partner , when to marry and when not? The shameful thing is that today all that is science. And instead of teaching it in schools and universities, nonsense is being repeated, like the famous abstinence.
Whenever a marriage can be saved, it must be saved, especially if there are children. That means resolving conflicts and seeking help from a good couples and family therapist .
It must be clear that for love to work, loving each other is not enough. We need to learn about being a couple . We must prepare and stop daydreaming. This soap opera culture is killing us. The most difficult relationship of the ball in the world is that. If it does not work, the children and the family are affected, and if you did not know it, society is nothing more than the sum of all families. No wonder we are so bad.
We also know that a badly handled divorce is just as damaging as a marriage full of fights and conflicts, where children are used and involved in the affairs of the couple. In every family there must be inviolable borders, even if they are flexible. Mom and dad’s affairs are handled only by them. The spouses have to take care of their relationship and not confuse it with that of being parents. We cannot forget to take care of the couple to focus only on the children. We will be parents for life but being a couple will depend on what you do with your relationship.
In a divorce, children must know that they are not at fault and that they will continue to be loved and protected. Children must be informed of the divorce and why the parents believe they are getting divorced, WITHOUT SPEAKING EVIL ABOUT THE OTHER. We must respect the image that the child should have of his father-mother. Studies indicate that children end up having serious conflicts with the parent who speaks ill of the other parent.
Resume:
- It is not so easy to ask that couples stay together to avoid that the children suffer the brunt of a badly handled divorce. Those of a marriage that is maintained despite being hell, are worse.
- The fever is not in the sheets. The only way to reduce the divorce rate is to expand family and sex education in schools and universities. Train our children and adults to «live» in harmony and overcome their conflicts. To know how to choose a partner and have functional families.
- Education in general continues to ignore this and is irresponsible in not taking up the challenge of a true education for life.
